12 June 2010

Platitude attack!

Platitudes are all bollocks. "Seize the day"? Have you tried that? How are you supposed to do that, practically speaking? Wave your arms about and grab at the air? Rip a page off a calendar? I hope this half-arsed motivational toss makes the people who spout it feel better, because it does shat-all for me.

How about, "Live each day as if it's your last"? I tried that once, I spent the day curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth mumbling "i don't want to die i don't want to die i don't want to die" That's a design for life is it? If you're a twattock, maybe.

Stupidest to me, is "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse." Well, that corpse will look good for a few days, until putrefaction kicks in. Unless you're going to have yourself stuffed, that shit's going to rot in the ground, or get flamb├ęd. So for your troubles you'll have left either a dull looking pile of ash, or a necrotised slime puddle in a box. Well done.

I've been honing some more realistic phrases to live by, and some of them are quite catchy, some, err... not that catchy. AVANTI!

"Live fast, die young, hope the mortician's not a necrophiliac."

"Die in early middle-age, leave a fairly presentable corpse."

"Die during menopause, leave a corpse that's as good as you can expect, but probably won't look good naked."

"Live slow, die really old, who's got the last laugh now?!?!?"

"Live slow, die young anyway, what a pisser!"

"Live fast, sit in an adiabatic demagnetising refrigerator so you achieve the lowest possible mass which will cause time to move more slowly. This would achieve the inverse of time dilation so whilst your life would appear to move at a normal rate you would in fact age more quickly. Although the effect may appear marginal and it may be more effective to speed up everyone else to a significant proportion of C, relatively ...and leave a good looking corpse!"

"Live fast, experience time dilation, find everyone you knew has died while you were orbiting Alpha Centauri"

"Live weird, die bizarre, leave your corpse to science."

"Live fast, die old, leave a good looking widow."

"Die old, leave a corpse."


There's something achievable for everyone there. Well, apart from that Alpha Centauri one, that just not realistic.