26 February 2010


Like a cow, I've been ruminating, and farting, but that's not relevant, just the ruminating, focus on that. See, the Winter Olympics doesn't get the fuss the Summer games do. I'm not just talking post Torville & Dean British malaise either, most of the world thinks of it as the other Olympics. This shit needs some hot-sauce!

Allow me to apply the Tabasco...

Firstly, this one I've been saying for years. Biathlon. Amazing sport, cross-country skiing for kilometers, then having to get it together and aim a rifle, calm and steady and pop off five tiny targets, then go round and do it all again and again. Amazing athletes? Yes. Exciting to watch? No. The solution is easy: Get rid of the targets, let them shoot at each other! Imagine it! One skier lurking in the trees, rifle ready, another, trying to langlauf his little socks off. The echoing report of a gunshot! A spray of blood on the snow! THAT'S SPORT! I suppose they could use paintballs, if you want to be boring about it.

"Tango down."

Now, no disrespect to dead Georgians, but, lunatic activities though they are, I still don't think luge or skeleton are exciting enough either. They can stick around, but I want an extra event. No tea-tray, just dudes and wimmins, in their lycra, loaded into a great big cannon and fired down the track. Picture it, take a moment. I've said enough.

While we're at the ice tube: bob-sleigh, still kind of exciting, but imagine a nitro-league version. Strap a rocket to the back of those tubs and you've got yourself a show. It could be the last event, so it doesn't melt the ice for everyone else, obviously. My schedule would be Luge, Skeleton, Man-Cannon, Two-man Bob, Four-man Bob, Rocket-Bob.

Ski-jump? Well, you've got yourself a potential clay pigeon shoot there, in fact, this could double up with the Sniper Biathlon, you could get double points for bagging a ski-jumper.

Now, the ski racing is getting more interesting, they've got 4 man events now a bit like the Board-cross stuff, with kind of a Giant Slalom-ish course with jumps and suchlike. This is a great development, but suggests its own future evolution. See, it's like a James Bond mountain chase, so they should throw some Ski-Doos in there, chasing after them with Uzis. I appreciate there's kind of a gun heavy theme going on here, I have to tell you, I don't really give a shit.

If Infinity Ward get the next Winter Games license, I'm in.

Now, get this. These sports-people all train months and months of the year, this is full-time for them, so where's the aspirational aspect? Sure, there's Curling, which any menacing Glaswegian house-frau seems able to excel at, but there has to be more than flinging rocks to make this thing a bit more egalitarian? Well, I've got a sport for you, that you will be amazed wasn't always in there. A sport ANYONE can do. Snowball Fighting!

Olympic Snowball Fighting. Why has nobody thought of this before? Imagine one day your grandkids find an Olympic gold medal in a shoe box in your wardrobe. "WHAT DID YOU WIN THIS FOR GRANDAD/GRANDMA!" (they would probably know which you were without hedging their bets, gender wise). You'd nod sagely, with a look of quiet satisfaction and tell them, "Snowball fighting, kids. Snowball fighting."

Actually, you could probably buy a knock-off medal from somewhere and just say that anyway, with some of the stupid shit that gets to be demonstration events at the Olympics, who'd know the difference that many years down the line? Not kids, kids are stupid.

Say you got one for snowman building while you're at it. "I won the freestyle Triple-Stage Snowperson gold medal in Sarajevo in '84, people forget the importance of picking the right carrot."

Calvin & Hobbes type should have its own category.

Well, that's all I've got events right now, but don't think I'm done, there's still spice to be had. In ancient Greece Olympians all competed naked, I don't need to explain where I'm going with this. I know it's cold, but these are hardy people. They train in the cold they compete in the cold. It's a bloody WINTER Olympics. COLD! They're used to it. I appreciate men might be reluctant, you know... shrinkage, you all know about shrinkage, right?

The other advantage (apart from super-pert nipples) might at first seem like a disadvantage (like being poked in the eye by super-pert nipples). What would happen to the fine, and incredibly violent sport of Ice hockey if it was played naked? It would be a lot friendlier is what!! They'd either have to drop all that high-speed body-check-into-the-wall stuff, or just let really fat people play so the impacts are cushioned (I wouldn't want to be the naked goalie, mind, puck to the balls! OOF!!). It would also be pretty funny that this ruff-tuff game would pretty soon look like the most homosexual sport ever conceived, giving the macho-impaired male figure skaters a much needed machismo buffer.

Speaking of which, Ice-dance would also take on an interesting new dimension if performed naked. Yeah, that's right.

Caption contest? The jokes write themselves.

Anyway, if they ARE going to remain clothed for ice-dancing, the least they can do is up the entertainment factor. I keep seeing a huge missed opportunity, there's no comedy category. Artistic impression, technical merit, blah blah blah, where's the laughs? Sure it's funny when they fall on their arse, but specific moves could be added to the compulsory programme. All I have in mind at this stage is wedgies. See, the fella lifts the girl over his shoulder, she grabs his pnats waist-band, then when he goes for the overhead lift, so does she, right up his crack, over the top of his head and over his eyes. Not sure how the girl could be wedgied? Those outfits are kind of one-piece, they could design something especially though.

Well, I think these suggestions would make the Winter games vastly more exciting, and I can only hope the IOC will take note and introduce some of these improvements.